Monday, May 30, 2005


Well it came and went with relatively no fanfare, which is how I prefer it.
I wasn't sick which is new for me. I think I had a streak of 20+ Bdays being sick.
As it was, I had a very pleasant 30th. I received several nice home made cards from my girlies. And some candy (1# box of hot tamales, my fav!)
And even though my mum and dad forgot it was my birthday (okay, they were a day late) they got me several nice, even thoughtful things.
But I have to say the best present was from my wife.
For several decades, I have just sorta stumbled through life, never really knowing who I was (the real me). It has now been almost two months since my wonderful wife informed me that I may be suffering from Adult ADD. Now, as I have been on some medication and had a few sessions with a therapist, I feel more focused on everything. But I still lacked the feeling of knowing who I really truly am....Until Sunday morning. As I opened my 'Shoebox' wrapped present, and opened the pictures from my sweets, I noticed a note folded in the bottom. As I opened it and began to read what my wife had written, I could not hold back the tears.
It was a list of the top 30 (XXX) reasons she loved me. It is the closest I have (and may ever) come to seeing who I really am.
So happy birthday to me.
Thanks to M&D for the presents ( and the steak, dad).
To my sis for the icecream cake.
to my children for their imaginations.
And most of all, thanks to my beautiful, passionate, loving wife (of almost 10 years) for helping me see my self, and for loving me for who I am!

Friday, May 27, 2005

Jesus loves you.........

......But I still think you're a jerk!

As I was squweezing through traffic (bumper-to-bumper I might add) some dork infront of me decides it would be a good idea to break check 5mph! OKAY, what was that about? Onward....until at a dead stop, he decides now would be a good time to put his awesomely tricked out (stock) ford focus, into reverse. Ummm, wrong way?
Oh, your trying to tell me something.......that you were dropped on your head as a child! So onward again.....oh he has decided to change lanes so he can appologize for his mental incapasity.
Jerk:"What's yer F'ing problem?"
Oh he wants to try and communicate, this will be entertaining!
Me: "Umm, well there's this guy who doesn't seem to understand the directional flow of the south bound lanes!"
Oh, he's making a face...its either confussion, or he's really plugged up.
J:"Why you gotta ride my ass?"
Me:"I was trying to read your bumper sticker, but you were going too fast."
???????? Now he's really excited. Does he know he doesn't have a sticker, and that he was only going 4.5mph? Let's see....
J (clearly frustrated that I don't want to stoop to his level):"F*&^ U!"
Now that was well put.
Last but not least, he gave me the finger. Oh yeah! Are you old enough to drive. Go back to forth grade!

Time=$ or something like that...

I heard someone say the other day, that time was the new money. It struck me as a strange thing to say, until I really thought about it. I'm not certain what the actual context of their statement was, but the more I think about it, the more I think it could have several meanings.
My favorite two:
Time has become more important than money, to more and more people. Free time and paid time off are popping up all over the business world as "Benefits". But not enough.
If you Google "TIME SAVERS" you get over 2 million hits! The same search for "Family Time"....Just over 1 million. So finding ways to save our time is pretty high on our list, but our ways of spending that time are still the same. Time saved means more time to pursue the things the 'World' views as important. Advancing careers, making more money so we can keep up with the neighbors. "But its good for the economy, right?" "Saving Time" has become the get rich scheme of today.

My second thought starts with a quote from (the Jesus-freak in me) the Bible.....
Im not about to preach or judge! Did you happen to miss the pictures at the top, or all the other 'Blasphemous' posts before this one? And it is my blog, damn-it!
1 Timothy 6:10
For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many grief's.

I think the Bible has many important messages that can still be applied today, and some that need a bit of "cultural updating". This one, in my humble opinion, is one of the latter. In the passage I just quoted, the author is trying to let us know that the vain pursuit of money can and DOES blur our perceptions of the things that should be important. In this context, it is faith in God. I agree with that, but also think it has the same blurring affect in regards to our friends and family. I have know people in my life who have given up on their families, friends and other desires of their true heart, in the pursuit of "career goals" or high risk ventures. And what has been the majority out come? Usually pain and loneliness.
I believe that is still true, but I also think 'Time' can work the same way.
Stay with me. You may disagree, but hear me out. I have seen people, so obsessed with saving time or looking for more time, that they do the same kinds of things I just wrote about. Rather than take and 'spend' the time they already have, they squander it looking for better ways, faster ways and more 'useful' ways to use the time they have. I believe, and not just from my "Jesus-lovin' faith" but from my "wantin' to be a decent human" ideals, that time just like money could and should be used to help others. Not just those with out, globally & locally, but those with still blurred vision. I am in no way saying that my vision (heart) is completely clear, far from it. But I think that when I realized the flaws in my reasoning, it became clear-er that there was more to life than just trying to extend it for the sake of more vain pursuits. Im not going to say that becoming a Christian will instantly clear your vision and make you holy (although I believe in my heart its a step). I know plenty of "Christians" who are tops in the field of 'Time and Money' management. You have to be willing to look deep in your heart and be willing to let go. You have to be willing to put others first. That can mean your wife and kids to start, and the rest of the world later.

"Be good to each other!"

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

What will those silly republicans do next?

On this day, W. was highly agitated when the Democrats nominated Jesus Christ of Nazareth to run against his hand-picked ticket of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jeb Bush. "Jesus!" he said over and over. The group had never seen the President so angry. He walked from behind the big desk and paced the oval office, alternately shaking his fist and wiping the spittle off his chin. All he could say was, "Jesus!" "We can beat him," said Vice-President Dick Cheney. W. stopped and stared. "How?" Cheney, on the love-seat, interlaced his fingers, squeezed his hands together, then unsqueezed and stretched his palms forward-his "come unto me" pose, the staff called it, a nervous habit that betrayed extreme nervousness. "We could say He's soft on terrorism, Mr. President. You know, all that turn-the-other-cheek crap." Uncertain, the President's gaze shifted from Dick to Condoleeza, who squirmed off the sofa. "Sit here, Mr. President," she said. "Let me do your neck." W. settled into the cushions and the Secretary of State went around behind him. As she judo-chopped his shoulders, his voice sounded like a skipping CD. "Why isn't K-a-a-a-rl-l-l-l in-n-n-n-n here?" "He's on a conference call with some committee," Dick said. "Christian Veterans for Truth, I think it is." As Condoleeza kneaded the knots in his shoulders, the President did something he had never done before-he admitted a mistake. "I should have kept my big mouth shut." Scott McLellan, the press secretary, was shocked. "Sir, it wasn't your fault. I made too big a deal out of it." They were talking about the President's comment that the Republicans could beat anybody the Democrats nominated, because Karl Rove had done his research and was ready to "tell the truth" about any of the leading Democrats, all of whom, according to the President, were on the wrong side of the issues. The President had said the Dems would have to nominate Jesus himself to have a chance in this election. "It's not your fault, Scotty," the President moaned. "I'm the one who said it." "It was just a way to show that we thought our ticket was invincible," Condi added. "Which is the first step toward becoming invincible," Dick said. Dick had a saying for everything. The Secretary of Defense spoke up. "I hate to be the one to say I told you so, but I told you so." The President said, "No, you don't. You love it, Rummy. You love to say, 'I told you so.'" "You weren't even here when we thought up the Jesus joke," Dick said. "Not that," said Rummy. "I'm talking about the Constitutional Amendment we worked so hard to pass, changing the requirements for Presidential candidates." "We know what the amendment says, Mr. Secretary," said Condoleeza, briskly rubbing the President's neck with both hands. "Well, if we hadn't changed the thing so Schwarzenegger could run, the other side couldn't have pulled this stunt and nominated Jesus." "Where does He stand on abortion?" asked Dick. "You know, Herod killed all those baby boys trying to get Baby Jesus. I think Karl should authorize a commercial about that. About how He let that happen." "He was just a baby," snapped Condoleeza. "That wasn't abortion, but we could say it was," said W. "Turn the churches against Him." Rove came in, writing on some papers as he walked. The President scooted to the edge of the couch, out of Condi's grasp and she put a hand on one hip and gave Rove some attitude. "Well, it's about time." The big man ignored her. "We've got some good stuff, Mr. President." "On Jesus?" "Yep!" "This I gotta hear," said Rumsfeld. "We better be careful," said Condi. "Whose side are you on?" asked W. "Yours, of course, sir. Yours and Arnie's and Jeb's. But … Jesus? Our truth squad turned up something bad on Jesus? It's just hard to grasp." "Oh, wait'll you see the commercials," said Rove. "None of our religious friends will vote for Him after we saturate all the Southern states, Ohio, and the west with these new spots." Cheney executed the "come unto me" motion. "I knew we could nail him!" Karl Rove winced. "Bad choice of words, Mr. Vice-President." "What's the deal?" asked W. "How do we make Him the issue instead of Arnie and Jeb?" "With a series of commercials designed to make the Democrats sorry they ever heard of Jesus," said Rove. "Show me," the President said cautiously. "All right, everybody. Remember, none of us had anything to do with any of this. No contact with the committees. The President was as surprised as the rest of us when these commercials hit the airwaves day after tomorrow." "We know the drill," said Condi, looking at the President for approval. The President motioned impatiently. "Come on, show me what I didn't see." Rove pointed the remote control at the big plasma screen within the bookcase. "This first one is on taxes." "What did Jesus ever say about taxes?" asked Dick. "You know, render unto Caesar? He also hung out with tax collectors, right? Matthew? Zaccheus? Watch the spot." Thirty seconds later, the whole group applauded. The President said, "You've outdone yourself this time, Karl." "Thank you, sir." "I always had a feeling he was a liberal," said Dick. Although she smiled when the President smiled, Condoleeza's voice seemed strained. "Can we do this to Jesus? Make him seem like a tax and spend liberal?" "Hey, we used His own words, didn't we?" asked Rove. Rumsfeld had laughed at the spot along with the rest of the group, but he, too, was worried. "I don't want to be the spoilsport here, but that spot was more about what Jesus didn't say than what he said." "Of course," Rove said. "It's a proven technique," said W. "He could have spoken out about tax cuts, but he never did. So it follows that He's in favor of higher taxes. It's brilliant. What else, Karl?" Rove pointed the remote control again and the committee's credentials popped onto the screen. "This one's about socialized medicine." "This I gotta see," said the press secretary. "Behold!" said Rove. The ad was a 30-second re-enactment of a few of Jesus' miracles with a sarcastic announcer doing the voice-over. "Jesus believes in Free Health care for everybody. But who will pay the doctors? You and me, our families, that's who. And that will require new taxes. Jesus! How much more can we afford? Paid for by the Christian Veterans for Truth, not affiliated with any political candidate." Rove's florid face beamed with pride as he accepted the praises of everyone in the Oval office. "The next one's my favorite. Family values." "If you nail him on family values, you're a genius," said Dick. Rove said, "Just watch." The spot began with the 14th chapter of Matthew in which Jesus told his followers to despise their families and follow him. It showed men in robes, the disciples, saying goodbye to wives and children and falling in line behind Jesus. "That was awesome," said Condoleeza, speaking first for once. "I've heard sermons that explain all that," W said. "He can finagle his way out of that one." "Doesn't matter," said Rove. "Explanations don't carry near the force of accusations. After this runs for the week, He'll be cast as the anti-family-values candidate and have to spend the rest of the election trying to explain that charge while we're leveling new ones." The President smirked. "Karl, Condi's right. That's an awesome spot." The others applauded. "There's more-you'd never realize how soft on crime he was until you read the Gospels," Rove said. "Did you know he forgave a prostitute and also saved an adulteress from stoning?" "Weak on capital punishment," agreed W. "Wants everyone to have eternal life," said McLellan. "Including criminals," added Dick. "He pardoned the one on the cross, you know." "That's all included," said Rove. W. pursed his lips. "Those poor Democrats won't know what hit 'em." "They outsmarted themselves, nominating Jesus, thinking we'd back off," Dick chortled. "This may destroy their party," said the President. "If they can't win with Jesus, who lived a perfect life but is on the wrong side of all our issues, who can they win with?"

Saturday, May 14, 2005

It's about time....

It was bound to happen sooner or later. It was starting to become a necessity.
When things like this start happening, something must be done!

Image hosted by

I had no choice.....I must MOW!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

It's been awhile.

Well, I've been gone for awhile, but now I'm back. (Settle down!)

So, I got this email from the program director at a local "Christian' radio station:

Hi there matt,
Today I received an e-mail from someone who just heard about the Spirit 1053 Promise and he was impressed enough that he wanted to know more. It sure reminds me that I'm taking for granted what most people still don't even know exists (Spirit 1053). I shouldn't be taking it for granted because I've heard from so many people over the years about why they started listening; because it's safe for their kids ... and later they discover the other benefits that we try to exemplify in our ministry. It's a ministry that includes you matt, thank you for making a difference to thousands of people like you.
Feel free to share Spirit 1053's Promise with a friend. Tell them about how much healthier our station is for their families. Forward this e-mail to as many people as you can or even another radio station! We're not trying to be "better than thou." We believe we're a Godly example in a messed up world. Thank you for your love and prayers!
In Jesus,

We Promise that we’ll never offend people with blue-humored or suggestive or demeaning personalities or song lyrics. Spirit 1053 extends that promise to our advertising policy as well. We do all that we reasonably can to make sure you won’t be embarrassed by our commercials. Again last year Spirit 1053 refused well over a half million dollars in advertising revenue from advertisers that we didn’t think you’d appreciate; gambling, alcohol, movies and TV programs that we thought were inappropriate for the kids, your home and work environment. No other commercial radio station in Seattle does that for you, and that’s our Spirit 1053 Promise.

So here is my responce....
Scott,I'm glad you are so enraptured with your 'promise'.I for one, think you over play and over emphasize it.Its good that you run the station the way that you do (filtering out that which might be deemed inappropriate for some)but lately it is starting to sound like Spirit 105.3 is the fourth member of the Trinity!I understand the necessity for promoting ones business, your station still needs to make money. So preaching that S1053 is BETTER than other stations is okay, but sometimes it seems very elitist. That is NOT Christ like! And that is why I will not pass this email on to anyone. Christians today have a bad rep. among non-Christians. They believe us to be judgmental, or above all others because of our faith. At times. your station exemplifies that rep. Choosing to follow Jesus (OK, call it being a Christian if you must) is more about climbing down into the trenches with those still mired in sin....but not to judge them for their sin, that's Christ's job, but rather accept them and love them for who they are. The music your station plays can be a powerful ministry- let it speak for it self. I believe more people (the ones who may need the most 'Encouragement') would listen more if you weren't always shoving the 'Promise' in their faces (ears).Not that you will even read this, but, there I've said it.
A follower of Jesus,

I don't know for sure how I got on their email list, but I hope that they remove me now.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Remember the good-old-days?

Remember back when getting out of bed on a Saturday morning was exciting? Cartoons and sugary cereal! I don't! Growing up, my dad was a diabetic. So sugar didn't often find its magical way to our house. (Oh, sure, the neighbors to the east would smuggle some of the contraband across our boarders occasionally) So it was 'Shredded' paper and 'Puffed' whatever (good sources of
fiber you know!), smothered with as much
Sugar substitute as we could stand. Meanwhile, as we huddled round the warm glow of our
cartoons, I was bombarded by sweet communist propaganda,
Cereal Commercials! The torture!
Every four minutes, it was the same thing: Sugar Pops, Apple Jacks, Cap'n Crunch, Cookie Krisp. But I think my favorite was
Lucky charms. I used to beg for it every shopping trip. On my hands and knees in the cereal isle. Then finally, it happened. My mother, completely embarrassed by the site of me wailing on the floor, gave in! That little, green, midget (sorry, small person) bastard was finally mine!
I couldn't wait to get home and tear it open! All those sugary
marshmallow 'things' were now mine. Green clovers, blue diamonds, yellow moons, pink hearts, and then some brown things, whole grain something or other. And the PRIZE! Who could forget that?
Well, I got home, raced to the kitchen, tore open the box, and began stuffing my mouth full of sweet victory. Then I realized how nasty this stuff was. What the....
I had been tricked! There was nothing magical or good about this stuff. The marshmallow things were hard and tasted like sweetened wood chips, and slowly dissolved in my mouth leaving a gritty slime covering my teeth. That Monday, I fell into a deep depression that would last 5 days. It was only on the sixth day that I had an epiphany (well maybe it was just another commercial) it wasn't Lucky Charms that I needed, it was Trix! How could I have been so blind? Lemony yellow, orangey orange, raspberry red........
Now that I'm grown up (well, at least older and larger) and have kids of my own, I can pass along some of my wisdom.......Peanut Butter cap'n Crunch is the BEST!
Oh, sure, there's a box of "grown-up cereal" in the pantry, but it's only for show!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Finally, research worth funding.....

"New Study Finds 'Fundamentalism' Genetic"

New studies in genetics research have linked certain biological attributes with fundamentalism in humans. A genetic factor is seen as a probable determining link to Christian Fundamentalism. Such behavioral attributes as political conservatism, an inability to dance well and a propensity to eat during most social occasions have been linked to a measurable increase in sphincter tension. The ethical and political implications of this finding are considered by many analysts to be staggering.

Being politically right of center can no longer be seen as a choice for these people. Since fundamentalists are born that way, not only is it impossible for them to change but fundamentalism becomes the only honest and natural course for them.

The Institute for Research in Political Correctness, or IRPC, has concluded that since fundamentalism is both genetically determined and natural that it must necessarily be morally correct and politically acceptable as well. This has caused conflict within some liberal circles who note that fundamentalism is often diametrically opposed to political correctness. It is hoped that ongoing research by ethical relativists will be able to find a solution to this problem. One theorist was quoted as saying,

"We are close to a breakthrough in proving that light is dark, and that research should also help solve the problem of integrating what we know to be politically acceptable with the attitudes and values inherent in fundamentalism."

More fun with Fundamentalists....

And now the top 14 ways to get a wife, Biblicly, of course!

Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

1.Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuteronmy (Deuteromy 21:11-13)
2.Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
3.Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4.Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5.Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6.Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7.Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8.Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
9.Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10.Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11.When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12.Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
13.Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14.Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
So, what are you waiting for, love?

Is it just me.....

Is it just me, or does this 'fictional account' sound familiar? Oh, someone's knocking at my door. I'll be right back, read this while you wait......

Vision of Macaroni
A funny thing happened to me on the way to church. As I was driving I entered a fog. (This was unusual because the fog part normally started later, during the sermon.) Suddenly a man appeared in front of me. I felt compelled to stop and talk to him. Light seemed to radiate from him. He was dressed in a flowing white robe. As I got out of the car he spoke to me,

"Hear now the words that I speaketh unto you. I, Macaroni, have appeared unto you like unto one clothed in shinning raiment. Yea, I shinneth brightly like unto about 150 watts. Hear now my words. Behold, I am Macaroni, son of Moron, messenger of the most high. Take now these golden tablets and recordeth what thou seest."

"But I don't have any water." I protested. He increased about 25 watts and said.

"Ye stiff necked and foolish man! Eat them not! Look upon them and read the inscriptions there of."

As I gazed intently the tablets grew and writing appeared on them.

"I can't make anything of this!" I said.

"It is a language thou knowest not." said the shinning one. "For verily it is written in the ancient tongue that is called 'Reformed Pig Latin'. But take now these glasses having one lens of red and the other of blue framed withal in cardboard, for they shall allow you to interpret the marks that thou seest."

When I put on the glasses the words seemed to jump out at me, and this is what I read.

I, Neophyte, having been born of goodly parents, wherefore therefore having learned to write in the learning of pigs and the language of Latin, that being pig Latin, I make this record, which is true, because I said so, and I make it according to mine own knowledge, and it containeth no guano. (And its truth is more true than other true things like the Bible, which being true is not quite as true as my stuff, having been interpreted via the holy 3d glasses mentioned earlier.) But if it is found to contain something anachronistic or contrary to archeology like unto the digestive byproduct of a bull, it will be someone else's mistake and you can't blame me.

In the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, a historical figure, in a real town named Jerusalem, came the word of the Lord to my father, Peehigh, of whom no record other than this can be found. (Unlike characters in the Bible, which being a lesser book requires references of both places and persons from epigraphical archeological artifacts in abundance.) And he did dream a dream and see a vision and thereafter swore off mushrooms in his gravy. And he was told to take his family and flee to a promised land called "the promised land" and there build mighty cities and father nations of which no archeological artifacts can be found except for Mayan and Aztec stuff which has nothing to do with Neophytes, Laminates or Mosquitobites."

And many more things did he reveal unto me besides these writings of Neophyte son of Peehi.. And I was instructed to record other doctrines and covenants with nifty ideas. It was revealed unto me that when one's wife began to grow old that he might ad unto himself a second wife. Even as many as he could convince that this was a goodly idea. And many men were added to the church that day. Also it was revealed that God might change his mind on this one if it ever became an embarrassment to the church.

I began at this point to wonder about how I would convince others that these things were true. Then Macaroni revealed to me the proof that would convince many. Forasmuch as anyone would believe without any evidence these things, and accept as fact that which not only could not be substantiated but was like unto something I made up as I went along, that the proof they desire could be found in their hearts. If only one would first believe then he would know it was true because he believed it. Moreover, one who believed would find that proof was evidenced by a strange feeling like unto a burning in your bosom, that comes from believing what you want, in total ignorant bliss of any encumbrance of logic or real fact. If, however, the burning in your bosom continues or responds not to non prescription medications, one should see his doctor. He may have a more serious condition than faith.

And then Macaroni did take away the tablets that they be seen no more, nor that it could be required to provide proof of them, except for such proof as could be provided by 12 witnesses who saw with the eyes of faith, that which epigraphic archeology had so cruelly deprived us of. And the light of the vision did dim like unto someone being unplugged.

I got back into my car and drove off in a brand new direction, looking for those who could be converted and thinking of new "family values" type TV spots that could be used for the legitimization and promotion of this church of new later day sucker... er... I mean, saints. - J. "Smith"

Well, I'm back. Sorry, it was just some crazies selling fake Jesus.
So, what was I saying? Oh,ya, sound familiar? -M

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

"I was a fundamentalist christian, once....."

This is one of my favorite quotes from 'Blue like jazz' by Donald Miller. The quote is in reguards to a time in his life (he says it only lasted one summer) when he joined a group of men at a Colorado retreat. Most of the time was devoted to bitching about women and how wussy today's man has become. Oh, ya, sometimes they prayed.
Any way, it got me thinking (always a danger) about how, I too, was a 'Fundy' for a time as well. Thanks go to my wife for reminding me of my proper place. Anyway, I actually spent several days on 'THE MOUNTAIN' listening for God. May have heard from him, maybe not. What i did hear was alot of pious, conserv-a-freaks posing for each other. Now I realize this post is a little different from my regular drivle, but I think its important that I share with you one of the many 'fake' conversations I over heard. Please stay with me on this. Im sure it will be insitefull. (Some names have been changed mind.)

Randy: Hello Kurt, how are you keeping, it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen you. Must be what? The start of the summer? Where have you been?
Kurt: Well Randy, I’ve been away, serving the Lord, on mission work.
Randy: Oh really? Where?
Kurt: Well everywhere really…
Randy: No, but where exactly?
Kurt: Oh, North, South, East, er, West…
Randy: No, but where were you?
Kurt: I was away that place missionaries go. You mean you don’t know?
Randy: Oh, the missionfield!
Kurt: Yes, that’s where I was, the mission field.
Randy: You know, I heard that Matt has quit his job to work for himself. Always about himself.....
Kurt: Dear dear dear, he obviously hasn't reached the same spiritual peak which we are currently enjoying.
Randy: And what's worse, I heard that Allen got a new job doing some kind of software programming, and they have unfiltered internet access!
Kurt: Tut tut tut. I think that there is only one appropriate response. (Both men claps hand in a prayer type fashion, and looking piously at the skies.)
Randy: Kurt, you look a bit tired today, what’s the problem? Burning the candle of spiritual fervour at both ends?
Kurt: Well, to be honest, I was up very early this morning to do some praying, 6:30am to be precise.
Randy: Not a lot unlike myself, I was up at 6:00am for reading, before moving onto prayer at 7:00am.
Kurt: Oh, did I say 6:30am for praying? That’s true, but I had already done my hour’s reading, from 5:30am until 6:30am.
Randy: Again, not unlike myself, I meditated from 5:00am to 6:00am, before reading from 6:00am to 7:00am and then finally praying from 7:00am until 8:00am.
kurt: Well, if you were reading, what were you reading exactly?
Randy: The bible!
Kurt: Well I know the bible, but which part?
Randy: Well I was reading the book of Jeremiah. Now that’s a prophetic book.
Kurt: Prophetic? I thought it was quite good.
Randy: Well what have YOU been reading?
Kurt: Well I’ve been reading Ephesians, that’s the letter from the apostle Paul to the church at Ephesus...
Randy: Well I’ve been reading Galatians, that’s the letter from the apostle Paul to the church at Galatia...
Kurt: Well I’ve been reading 1st and 2nd Corinthians, that’s the letter from the apostle Paul to the Corinthian church...
Randy: Well I’ve been reading 1st and 2nd Chronicles, that’s the letter from the apostle Paul to the chronic church...
Kurt: Tell me about Genesis, what do you think of it?
Randy: Never the same after Phil Collins left.......
I've heard that Matt missed his quiet time and bible study last Wednesday.
Kurt: Dear dear dear, when will these so called Christians learn?
Randy: And what's worse, I heard that Allen not only missed his prayer time last Tuesday and Friday week ago, he has been known to spend as little as 25 minutes per day in bible study and prayer.
Kurt: Tut tut tut. I think that there is only one appropriate response. (Both men claps hand in a prayer type fashion, and looking piously at the skies.)
Randy: Tell me this Kurt, what did you think of church this morning?
Kurt: Well I left the service thoroughly uplifted and invigorated to further serve the Lord.
Randy: You mean you weren’t uplifted and on fire before going into the service?
Kurt: No, I was, it’s just that I was even more so after the service, I was even more on fire, really burning up. What about you Randy, did your cup floweth over at this morning’s service?
Randy: It certainly did, those communion glasses are much too small.....
I've heard that Matt didn't make it into church this morning until after the first hymn. Obviously slept in.
Kurt: Dear dear dear, an obvious case of mind over matress!
Randy: And what's worse, I saw Allen keep his eyes open during the first prayer, AND he couldn't understand some of the words in the Baptist hymnal. Tut tut.
Kurt: Tut tut tut. I think that there is only one appropriate response. (Both men claps hand in a prayer type fashion, and looking piously at the skies.)
Randy: Kurt, we're starting the Men's Group again this year, and there are some ground rules we'd better establish.
Kurt: Keep good hours - not too much socialising ...
Randy: ... Stay in the church to avoid sin!
Kurt: Good diet ...
Randy: ... live on communion crackers and grape juice all year so we can afford to go on retreats all next summer!
Kurt: Get study done ...
Randy: ... allow half an hour at the end of each night's four bible study to spend with our famillies! The problem is Kurt, that while all these other guys like Matt and Allen are working, visiting with friends, loving their famillies ...
Kurt: ... we're going to be firmly planted in the real world!

....And this was only one of many.
Stay tuned for more installments of enlightenment.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The man behind the sock...

I must confess, I read this quiz on another site, but just had to have it!

Which Superhero would you be?
I can remember back (to last week) sitting alone in my room, dreaming of how I would save the world....but that's boring!

I've never been a big fan of comics, and the cartoon sups. my kids watch today all have extremely large feet. That doesn't seem so super. Still, for my money, it's gotta big the Big man himself. No, not God, Superman! He's classic. He is the embodiement of super.
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What Is Your Most Embarrasing Moment?
Okay, this one's too easy. I have never told anyone this, and subsiquently, THIS post will now become my 'MEM'.
9th grade, english class, while passing an anonymous love poem to my dream girl (Jen W.) I am caught by Mr. Matheson. "Mr. M. (that's me, BTW) would you please come to the front of the class......
Me: "Sh$t, sh$T, sh*t..... (well, you get the picture)"
Teach: "Would you please read what you have there?"
Me: "No thanks?"
Teach: "Yes please!"
Me: *uncomfortable silence*....
"Salty but sweet, is the sweat from your face.
I secretly watch you as you run the race. (she was in track, geeze!)
Even as you slow, I watch you press on,
I'll stay by your side , as the others race on....."
There was more, but to this day, it's a work in progress!

If You Could Be Any Animal, What Would You Be & Why?
A rooster, a really, really BIG rooster!
Oh, come on!
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What Band/Singer You Would Never Admit Listening to?
So many to choose from.....keep it simple,my wife's Dido CD.

What is The Cheesiest Movie You Could Watch Over & Over Again?
'Clan of the Cave Bear', there is just something about a woman in animal skin!
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Which Movie Character Do You Most Identify With?
Often, Jim Carey in Bruce Almighty. (okay, serious for a sec)
Sometimes, I wonder if maybe my prayers get lost in the crowd of others. Is God just ignoring me, or can He not hear me?
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What Book Would You Would Recommend?
I was gonna say the Bible (Sex, Lies, Murder, Destruction, Redemption, Happy Ending but mysterious) but for a quicker, less meaningful read, I would recommend Christopher Moore's
Lamb . Follow the link and enjoy!

What is the Last Dream you remember?
Last night I had the most realistic dream.
I was sitting in my favorite chair, it was dark out, the house was completely silent except for the 'click, click, click' of my laptop keyboard.....
No, wait, that was real, I was just up late posting again!

What is Your Favourite Board Game?
I love to play scrable. I am the werst spelr in thu werld, but I luv it!
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What is Your Unusual Talent?
I was going to say making people disappear, but you're still here reading!
(Its not spelling, either) I may need to get back to you on that one.

So ther you have it. Some handy useless insight into the man behind the sock.
Until next time.....M

Monday, May 02, 2005

"House of Flying Sporks"

"Lord No, he's posting more about his damn kids!"
Shut up! Its my blog....... (quiet)....thats what I thought.
So, coming straight to VHS, too tough for Jet-Li, too much for Van Dam, too....silly...for Jackie Chan. They are the littlest Ninjas, in, house of the flying Sporks!
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Come on, how do you not post somethin' like that?
You should see they're 'Funky, fresh moves".
I promise, no more kids for at least, uh, until they do something else stupid.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Take me out to the ball game...(and shoot me!)

Week (weak) # 2 for softball. Did I mention before how old I am? Perhaps a photo would help......
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Well, okay, maybe I'm not that.....good lookin'?
Well, I stretched, warmed up, took my sorry fat old ass out of the outfield, and plopped it down behind home plate. So how did I still managed to pull a muscle?
Probably the same way I sweat just thinkin' about running. What ever. I went 1 for 3. Down from my last 2 for 4 week. At this rate I won't even have to get up, I'll just be an automatic out.
What ever, gets me out of the recliner.

So in other news, both the girls are sick. I've re-named them Chuck and Ralph.
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So as I'm standing there holding the bowl, I'm wondering.... "What the hell is that? I don't remember her eating that!" I was trying not to hurl myself, but damn, if I didn't know what that was. Oh, well.