Thursday, May 05, 2005

Is it just me.....

Is it just me, or does this 'fictional account' sound familiar? Oh, someone's knocking at my door. I'll be right back, read this while you wait......

Vision of Macaroni
A funny thing happened to me on the way to church. As I was driving I entered a fog. (This was unusual because the fog part normally started later, during the sermon.) Suddenly a man appeared in front of me. I felt compelled to stop and talk to him. Light seemed to radiate from him. He was dressed in a flowing white robe. As I got out of the car he spoke to me,

"Hear now the words that I speaketh unto you. I, Macaroni, have appeared unto you like unto one clothed in shinning raiment. Yea, I shinneth brightly like unto about 150 watts. Hear now my words. Behold, I am Macaroni, son of Moron, messenger of the most high. Take now these golden tablets and recordeth what thou seest."

"But I don't have any water." I protested. He increased about 25 watts and said.

"Ye stiff necked and foolish man! Eat them not! Look upon them and read the inscriptions there of."

As I gazed intently the tablets grew and writing appeared on them.

"I can't make anything of this!" I said.

"It is a language thou knowest not." said the shinning one. "For verily it is written in the ancient tongue that is called 'Reformed Pig Latin'. But take now these glasses having one lens of red and the other of blue framed withal in cardboard, for they shall allow you to interpret the marks that thou seest."

When I put on the glasses the words seemed to jump out at me, and this is what I read.

I, Neophyte, having been born of goodly parents, wherefore therefore having learned to write in the learning of pigs and the language of Latin, that being pig Latin, I make this record, which is true, because I said so, and I make it according to mine own knowledge, and it containeth no guano. (And its truth is more true than other true things like the Bible, which being true is not quite as true as my stuff, having been interpreted via the holy 3d glasses mentioned earlier.) But if it is found to contain something anachronistic or contrary to archeology like unto the digestive byproduct of a bull, it will be someone else's mistake and you can't blame me.

In the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, a historical figure, in a real town named Jerusalem, came the word of the Lord to my father, Peehigh, of whom no record other than this can be found. (Unlike characters in the Bible, which being a lesser book requires references of both places and persons from epigraphical archeological artifacts in abundance.) And he did dream a dream and see a vision and thereafter swore off mushrooms in his gravy. And he was told to take his family and flee to a promised land called "the promised land" and there build mighty cities and father nations of which no archeological artifacts can be found except for Mayan and Aztec stuff which has nothing to do with Neophytes, Laminates or Mosquitobites."

And many more things did he reveal unto me besides these writings of Neophyte son of Peehi.. And I was instructed to record other doctrines and covenants with nifty ideas. It was revealed unto me that when one's wife began to grow old that he might ad unto himself a second wife. Even as many as he could convince that this was a goodly idea. And many men were added to the church that day. Also it was revealed that God might change his mind on this one if it ever became an embarrassment to the church.

I began at this point to wonder about how I would convince others that these things were true. Then Macaroni revealed to me the proof that would convince many. Forasmuch as anyone would believe without any evidence these things, and accept as fact that which not only could not be substantiated but was like unto something I made up as I went along, that the proof they desire could be found in their hearts. If only one would first believe then he would know it was true because he believed it. Moreover, one who believed would find that proof was evidenced by a strange feeling like unto a burning in your bosom, that comes from believing what you want, in total ignorant bliss of any encumbrance of logic or real fact. If, however, the burning in your bosom continues or responds not to non prescription medications, one should see his doctor. He may have a more serious condition than faith.

And then Macaroni did take away the tablets that they be seen no more, nor that it could be required to provide proof of them, except for such proof as could be provided by 12 witnesses who saw with the eyes of faith, that which epigraphic archeology had so cruelly deprived us of. And the light of the vision did dim like unto someone being unplugged.

I got back into my car and drove off in a brand new direction, looking for those who could be converted and thinking of new "family values" type TV spots that could be used for the legitimization and promotion of this church of new later day sucker... er... I mean, saints. - J. "Smith"

Well, I'm back. Sorry, it was just some crazies selling fake Jesus.
So, what was I saying? Oh,ya, sound familiar? -M

2 Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Blogger .*.MandY.*. whispered...

That was hilarious

1:17 PM  
Blogger Matman whispered...


9:07 PM  

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