Sunday, June 12, 2005

identity crisis!

earlier, i wrote about finding jesus in strange different/places. but like i'm
fond of telling my daughter "If you hadn't lost it, you wouldn't need to find it
i had a chance to meet face to face with the host of a blog i've just recently
been commenting on. it's been an interesting conversation over the last few
weeks. a lot of the conversation has been the interaction between other commenters and my self, but
after having the chance to meet with jesse, and hearing alittle
bit about his past identity crisis, made me realize that i too have an identity
crisis story to tell. so thanks jesse for the invitation, and here is a little
bit of insight into the man (or hand?) behind the sock.........

i hate to admit it sometimes, but i spent the first 9 years of my academic life
in a "christian school". have you seen the movie 'saved' w/ Macaulay culkin?
if not, go rent it. if you have, you have a small but sorta accurate glimpse
of what my early childhood was like. for those whom would like to finish
reading this before they rush right out to blockbuster, here's the synopsis.
its about some 'super-ultra-christian' kids that go to a 'S-U-C' (i couldn't
resist) school. but mixed in to the story you have these few kids that are
only there for the education (one is jewish, and fakes a 'conversion' during an
assembly, another has just decided he is gay, and is shipped out for
counseling' by his parents). now there were no gays or jews in my school, but
the same theme would have applied. as it was, every friday we would have our own
assembly, where at the end, they would ask if anyone wanted to go to the back of
the gym to 'pray the prayer'. and most fridays, i would opt out of singing the
myriad of stupid christian kid songs (most of which had stupid hand motions) and
go to the back to pray. i must have been saved 240 times! i must be really saved,
well, about 8th grade, actually immediately following 8th grade, i was asked not
to come back. you see the principal and i were on a first name basis. and i had
seen here 'paddle' (yeah, corporal punishment rocked) so many times, that
eventualy she had to bring in her husband to beat me, and then, when my ass was
too numb, i was forced to copy bible verses! theres a good use for the word of
god, punishment!
meanwhile, my parents (bless them) were dragging me and my bro and sis, to every
christian denomination church they heard about. so needless to say, gods playing
a pretty steady role in my life.
fastforward about 13-14 years (don't worry, not much of anything happened here,
well except i rebelled a lot, went to college for a year, met and married my best
friend, love you shannon, and had 2 little girls). now a grown, responsible adult (no, really!) i've returned to the church (i was on a sabbatical, jesus allows for those).it seemed like a good place. i thought my family had found a place where god was at work. unfortunately, or not, all was not bliss. besides being complimentarian (women are second class, among other things) they were really heavy into 'growing' the men of the church, spiritually. Only it was the
gospel according to 'pastor randy' the little know 4th member of the trinity.
looking back, i really believe i needed to go thru all of it to be where i am
now (still struggling w/ more questions than answers). i came to realize a lot
about my self, and the relationship i had been missing with god.
so i had myself a reformation! ok, i just re-committed myself. for some, this is
where the crisis ends. sorry, im just gettin warmed up.
i'll try and make it short. families moves from our very healthy 'looking'
church, to a very much unhealthy, but looking to heal, church. why, well it was
the holy spirit's doing, not mine! i'm sure he has a good reason!
thru some very hard conversations with my wife, i discovered i have AADD (adult
attention deficit disorder).believe me, it explained a lot! you see, for the
majority of my life, i've been a sort of chamillion, a people pleaser. i would go
out of my way to make others happy, even at the expense of my self and my
i am now medicated for yours and my protection!
so (hopefully) ends my crisis. with the help of gods guidance and voice, the
love of my wife and friends, and some tiny white pills, taken twice daily, i
think i'm starting to get a clearer picture of who i'm meant to be.
hence the rest of this blog!
i'm a husband, a father, a son, a believer (trying to reclaim the name
'christian' from those who have tarnished it) and a human trying to live out the
'greater commission', "love thy neighbor",(the 'great commission' being to go
out into the world and make disciples.) I try to love the sinner, not the sin.
what does god have planned for me? i'll just keep asking him (at the coffee
shop) and listening for him (in the shower).

1 Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Blogger Allen Snook whispered...

i wonder if they were really into growing the men. it seemed like we had a lot of fun (and fun isn't bad), but how much did we really grow?

in hindsight, it seems like we were fed a lot of tasty junk food, and not much meat

and yeah and verily i didst become fatted in all things manly and didst feast heartily and hadst a grand time throwing knives and such

but lo, and behold, mine family didst miss me, for i was wild and free, but too selfish and it didst weigh on them heavily

so behold, i begin again, to get the balance right, and partake of the fruits of freedom and adventure, but to not become so freedom minded that I become no family good

8:11 AM  

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